Why pleasure doesn’t stay — when the foundation is missing
Being back in Tallinn, I notice something very clearly.
The pace is different.
Focus can easily become scattered in this constant intensity.
And what people are searching for… is often the same.
More sensitivity.
More aliveness.
More shameless pleasure.
I understand this.
Because I have searched for it myself.
And sometimes I still find myself searching again.
Too often I notice
how easy it is to start building something exciting
before my own inner foundation is truly there.
Strong.
And balanced.
I see this reflected back to me in the space where people meet themselves — with me.
They are brought here by an inner desire to feel more.
To be more connected.
To experience their body, their sexuality, their life more deeply.
Touch.
Pleasure.
Intimacy.
Life.
When the body does not feel safe
But very often I notice something
missing there.
The body does not feel safe.
And when the body does not feel safe,
it cannot truly open.
I have experienced this myself.
I can rest.
Sleep 8 hours.
Take time off.
And still feel restless.
Or tired.
Or strangely disconnected.
Because slowing down is not yet presence for me.
And relaxation is not yet safety.
Perimenopaus naise kehas ei ole lihtsalt füsioloogiline muutus.
I feel very clearly
how the pace I once could maintain is no longer sustainable.
And how my identity shifts together with my physiology.
And yes — society may call it a “midlife crisis.”
But for me, it is not a crisis.
It is a natural rhythm of nature.
And it’s true — it can feel like a crisis
when awareness is low.
But I find myself asking more and more often:
what if
I choose to open to this change?
To allow it.
To accept it.
And to notice that nature is guiding me to turn my attention from the outer to the inner.
To the place
where I meet the core of my own intimacy.
The true meaning of intimacy
And maybe this is where I begin to see
how we have begun to drift apart.
The word intimacy did not originally mean sex.
It did not even mean physical closeness.
It comes from the Latin word intimus —
the innermost, the closest.
Something that is within me.
Something that is not visible outwardly.
And if that connection within me is missing,
then nothing I build on top of it can truly remain.
Not pleasure.
Not sexuality.
Not even emotional balance.
Because the foundation is missing.
I see how easy it is, also for me, to start looking for solutions where they seem most accessible.
Pleasure — coming from the outside.
Experience — something to do.
Connection with another — because it feels uncomfortable to be in my own intimacy.
Why the pleasure doesn't last
But if my body does not feel safe,
it cannot truly receive those experiences.
They may be intense.
But they do not stay.
And maybe the question is not
how to experience more.
But
how to be more in contact with myself.
On a level
that is not visible outwardly,
but creates the foundation for everything else.
I am learning this too.
Not through another program.
But through daily choices.
Rhythm.
Environment.
How I move.
How I am.
How I express myself.
And whether my body comes with me — or not.
More experience or more connections?
Maybe we don’t need more experiences.
Maybe there is a need for a space where connections can be made.
With oneself.🤍
The Alchemy of Intimacy – somatic retreat in Bali
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